Just About Holding It Together - What Katy Said

Just About Holding It Together

I have been a mum to three little people for just over three months now and I think I may have hit a wall. This week I have cried, a lot. Even writing that down has made my eyes well up with tears and if I would just relax a bit more I’d probably just break down and sob into my pillow.

Nothing has happened to make me feel this way, today wasn’t even particularly eventful but I am so glad to be one day closer to the end of term. No sleep, early mornings and the school run have left me completely drained of all energy. 

I always used to get this way when I was teaching, when I was tired of the daily slog. I think the last few months have been just as tiring – although 3 children aren’t as difficult as 30 so I do feel like a bit of a fraud. But these three are 24/7 and I don’t have a TA to help me get other bits and bobs done throughout the day! 

People say how well I am doing and I really had been doing well, but I am stalling now. In my head I am aiming for the Christmas holidays but actually what difference is it going to make? If anything I am going to have 3 children full time for two weeks, no breaks at all. 

I don’t want to wish the time away though and I feel guilty for even thinking this way. I want to treasure the time together as a whole family, to cherish the extra cuddles I’ll have with my biggest girlie. But I am so so tired. 

I miss sleep.

I can’t remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. It may have been in 2011… We just carry on don’t we? It is in our DNA as mothers. 

As I write this my baby boy is snuggled up to me as he feeds, snuffling away as he drifts off. I look at his little face and everything else melts away. I forget that I didn’t actually brush my hair this morning, or the fact that it is falling out in handfuls if I do manage to find a brush. I forget that there is still washing in the machine or that I can’t remember if I even turned that load on. None of that really matters does it? 

I’ve been this tired before and those days disappeared before I could blink. I know I will miss these days too and so I will battle on and just add another layer of concealer tomorrow, and the next day. 

Being a mum of three isn’t any more difficult than being a mum of two, but having a baby is exhausting. Having broken sleep is exhausting. Being in charge of little people day in, day out is exhausting. But, I wouldn’t change a bit of it. 

my sig 2016

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11 Comments

  • Reply
    A Mum Track Mind
    December 20, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Don’t ever feel guilty for being honest about the struggle. Any mum who is honest will admit they have had days/weeks/months of feeling like this. Whether it’s hormones or sleep deprivation or just being exhausted by being permanently on call, it doesn’t matter a bit. These are your feelings and they are relevant no matter the cause. Take it one day at a time, don’t impose expectations of Yuletide perfection on yourself, just get through the day and one day you’ll wake up and realise you’ve been successfully winging it for ages. Xx

    • Reply
      Katy
      December 21, 2016 at 10:29 pm

      If you could see how Ive just wrapped the girls’ presents you will see I have given up on perfection haha!! Thanks lovely xx

  • Reply
    Laura wilson
    December 20, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    Oh Katy bless you! I have been so ready for a break too the last few weeks and crave a day where I can just stay in bed while someone else does it all for me! You know if we did that we would feel guilty for missing that time so we cant win. Just getting through the day with a new baby was hard enough and you now have a toddler and school kid too so actually thats pretty amazing! Im not sure I could cope with a baby any time soon so in my eyes you are a hero 🙂 I think just not having school runs will feel better, its such a slog I just hate it! I hope you get some rest over Christmas and its usually when you get to this point that baby decides to sleep and recharge you, so fingers crossed. Dont feel guilty though, I think we all look forward to the holidays that WILL be chaotic but no routine is a good thing 🙂 xxx

    • Reply
      Katy
      December 21, 2016 at 10:28 pm

      Its funny as he has been so good the last day, it is like he knew I couldn’t go much more. Thank god the school run is over for 2 weeks x

  • Reply
    Donna
    December 20, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    You are doing an ace job Katy. I cannot imagine having a little baby and school runs, especially at this time of year when it’s cold, dark and dreary. Hope you’ll be feeling better once school’s out and you can focus on Christmas and family time x

    • Reply
      Katy
      December 21, 2016 at 10:27 pm

      Thanks Donna. I am SO glad school is finally over! Just got to hope time goes really slowly now! x

  • Reply
    Fridgesays
    December 20, 2016 at 1:36 pm

    I love that this article doesn’t make a point, as that’s exactly what sleep deprivation does to you. You’re right, the new born days are a blur of mixed emotions but best of all I love that as a lioness of three you are aware of your blessings x sleep will come in 20 years hehe, until then – take it a day at a time.

    • Reply
      Katy
      December 21, 2016 at 10:26 pm

      Definitely no point other than to get it off my chest :-). I will look forward to 20 years time haha! x

  • Reply
    Lara
    December 22, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    Those early months are so flipping hard. It feels like you’re never catching up, just constantly chasing your tail and desperately attempting to locate the bottom of the washing basket which hasn’t been seen for approximately 37 months.
    Sleep deprivation is so so hard, and I couldn’t imagine throwing the school run in to the mix too! I’m hoping once we do the school run my boys will actually be sleeping!! (it’s the almost 4 year old who’s the current main offender!!)
    Sending you a big gin and tonic and some Christmas wishes for at least a few shared lay ins. Xxx

  • Reply
    Amy
    December 22, 2016 at 11:13 pm

    Oh Katy you are doing a darn sight better job than I would be in your situation! I can’t imagine the daily school run but I’m already dreading it.. sending huge hugs and just know you’ve got this! Enjoy your Christmas 🙂 ox

  • Reply
    Karen (@karenjwhitlock)
    December 23, 2016 at 10:37 am

    Oh lovely, I know you are doing an amazing job. I also know far too well about how it never feels that way. Sending you lots of love and hoping that Santa brings you a few good nights sleep and maybe even some lie-ins.

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