Just About Holding It Together

I have been a mum to three little people for just over three months now and I think I may have hit a wall. This week I have cried, a lot. Even writing that down has made my eyes well up with tears and if I would just relax a bit more I’d probably just break down and sob into my pillow.

Nothing has happened to make me feel this way, today wasn’t even particularly eventful but I am so glad to be one day closer to the end of term. No sleep, early mornings and the school run have left me completely drained of all energy. 

I always used to get this way when I was teaching, when I was tired of the daily slog. I think the last few months have been just as tiring – although 3 children aren’t as difficult as 30 so I do feel like a bit of a fraud. But these three are 24/7 and I don’t have a TA to help me get other bits and bobs done throughout the day! 

People say how well I am doing and I really had been doing well, but I am stalling now. In my head I am aiming for the Christmas holidays but actually what difference is it going to make? If anything I am going to have 3 children full time for two weeks, no breaks at all. 

I don’t want to wish the time away though and I feel guilty for even thinking this way. I want to treasure the time together as a whole family, to cherish the extra cuddles I’ll have with my biggest girlie. But I am so so tired. 

I miss sleep.

I can’t remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. It may have been in 2011… We just carry on don’t we? It is in our DNA as mothers. 

As I write this my baby boy is snuggled up to me as he feeds, snuffling away as he drifts off. I look at his little face and everything else melts away. I forget that I didn’t actually brush my hair this morning, or the fact that it is falling out in handfuls if I do manage to find a brush. I forget that there is still washing in the machine or that I can’t remember if I even turned that load on. None of that really matters does it? 

I’ve been this tired before and those days disappeared before I could blink. I know I will miss these days too and so I will battle on and just add another layer of concealer tomorrow, and the next day. 

Being a mum of three isn’t any more difficult than being a mum of two, but having a baby is exhausting. Having broken sleep is exhausting. Being in charge of little people day in, day out is exhausting. But, I wouldn’t change a bit of it.