Inside: How Modern Motherhood Steals Our Sense of Self and How to Reclaim It.
Somewhere between the sleepless nights and the school runs, I lost myself. Not in some grand, dramatic way, but in a slow, silent erosion. One nappy change, one work email, one mindless Instagram scroll at a time. It happened so gradually that I didn’t even notice. Until one day, I realised I couldn’t remember the last time I had done something purely for myself, just because it made me happy.
Motherhood is supposed to be this beautiful, fulfilling journey, yet so many of us wake up one day and feel like we’ve disappeared. We are exhausted, overstretched, and undervalued. The system isn’t built to support us—it never has been.
We live in a culture that tells us our work as mothers and homemakers doesn’t count, that our value is tied to productivity, and that we should be able to ‘juggle it all’. Meanwhile, we are bombarded with digital messages that keep us in a cycle of self-doubt and consumerism. No wonder we feel utterly depleted.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
The Disappearance of ‘The Village’
Once upon a time, raising children was a communal effort. Mothers weren’t left to fend for themselves with a newborn while their partners went back to work after two weeks. There was an unspoken understanding that it took a village to raise a child, and that village actually existed—grandparents, aunts, neighbours, friends.
Fast forward to today, and many of us are doing this alone. Families are more scattered, communities are more disconnected, and the expectation is that mothers will simply get on with it.
There is no built-in safety net. If we’re struggling, the solution we’re given isn’t support—it’s ‘self-care’ in the form of buying bath salts, booking a spa day, or scrolling through aspirational motherhood content online that just makes us feel worse.
The Devaluation of Motherhood & Home Life
Our culture only values what is monetised. The work of mothering—feeding, cleaning, comforting, teaching—is invisible because it doesn’t generate profit. The result? We internalise the idea that unless we’re doing something that contributes financially, we are failing. So, we take on more.
We try to be present, attentive mothers while also holding down jobs, managing the house, remembering birthdays, and keeping everyone fed. We never stop. But because so much of our labour is unseen and unpaid, we are left feeling like we aren’t doing enough.
Meanwhile, we have been conditioned to believe that time spent at home with our children isn’t enough either. Modern motherhood comes with a long list of expectations: make nutritious home-cooked meals, provide enriching activities, engage in educational play, and keep a perfectly tidy home—all while also looking after our physical appearance, maintaining a social life, and excelling in our careers.
It’s an impossible standard, and yet we keep chasing it.
The Role of Tech & Consumerism
If we weren’t exhausted enough already, the digital world keeps us tethered to a never-ending stream of comparison.
Social media feeds us a version of motherhood that is curated, polished, and ultimately unattainable. We see the perfectly styled playrooms, the children dressed in neutral linen, the glowing mums with immaculate kitchens. We are told that we need to buy more—Montessori toys, organic snacks, matching loungewear, ‘gentle parenting’ courses—to be the best mothers possible.
And so, we stay plugged in. We scroll while we breastfeed, while we wait at school pickup, while we collapse onto the sofa at the end of the day. The tech giants profit from our attention, and consumer brands profit from our insecurities. We are sold the lie that happiness is just one purchase away. But it never is.
How Do We Reclaim Ourselves?
So, how do we break free? How do we claw back a sense of self when it feels like every moment is already accounted for? It won’t happen overnight, but small, intentional changes can make a world of difference.
1. Create Boundaries with Technology
- Set screen limits: Turn off notifications for social media apps and set app timers so you don’t get sucked in.
- No-phone zones: Keep your phone out of the bedroom and away from meal times so you can be present with your thoughts and your family.
- Follow with intention: Unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate and curate your feed with content that uplifts and inspires you.
2. Carve Out Time for Yourself (Even When It Feels Impossible)
- Start small: Even 10 minutes a day can make a difference. Wake up slightly earlier, take a walk alone, or just sit in silence with a cup of tea.
- Reconnect with past passions: What did you love before motherhood? Reading? Writing? Painting? Dancing? Start incorporating small elements of joy back into your life.
- Schedule it in: If something isn’t planned, it won’t happen. Block out time in your week for yourself like you would an important appointment.
3. Build a New Village
- Reach out: Make the first move. Arrange a coffee with another mum, join a local group, or attend a baby class with the aim of making connections.
- Swap support: Offer to watch a friend’s child for an hour and ask for the same in return.
- Ditch perfectionism: Invite people into your home even if it’s messy. The goal is connection, not impressing anyone.
4. Stop Tying Your Worth to Productivity
- Reframe rest: You don’t need to ‘earn’ rest. Rest is productive because it allows you to function.
- Challenge the guilt: If you feel guilty for sitting down or doing something for yourself, ask yourself—who benefits from my exhaustion?
- Celebrate small wins: At the end of each day, instead of listing what you didn’t do, write down one thing you did that made you feel good.
The system is not built to support mothers, so we have to start supporting ourselves and each other. We have to actively reject the guilt, the impossible standards, and the idea that we should be able to do it all alone.
You are not failing because you feel lost. You are not failing because you are tired. The failure lies in a culture that makes women believe they should be superhuman just to be seen as adequate.
So, let’s push back. Let’s build new support networks, take back control of our time, and redefine what it means to be a ‘good mother’. Because, at the end of the day, a mother who is happy, rested, and connected to herself is far better for her children than one who is constantly running on empty.
And you deserve that. We all do.