On The Inside I am Shaking

I think most people would look at me and think I am a confident person. If someone asked my friends whether I was shy they might even laugh, saying I am one of the loudest most confident people they know. But you see, that is because they are my friends, I feel confident with them as I know they will never judge me. I can be myself. The same with this blog of mine, I can write freely and know that the screen staring back at me will never judge me. But what of the people behind the screen?

When I was in secondary school I was bullied, segregated from the whole of my year group, reduced to tears every single day. I was desperately unhappy and didn’t have a single soul in the world to turn to. In the end I crumbled, I admitted defeat and almost gave up school altogether. The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that one day, one day I would be successful and all the efforts of school and exams would be worth the pain I had to endure to get there.

Those memories don’t easily fade and although I am so much stronger now, that period of my life has left a permanent scar. In some ways it has been the fuel to push me forward, to make me aim higher and be the person I am today, but in other ways it prevents me from being my best in so many situations.

Having children has helped to heal that wound, made me believe in myself again. To have produced two beautiful babies I cannot be all that bad. Certainly not the fat ugly troll I was lead to believe that I was- being told something every single day does make you believe it and it takes a lot to undo those words.

Having this blog had given me confidence to be myself, to know that my words mean something and that I have helped people gives me tremendous strength. I can walk along, head held high knowing that I have made a difference to someone, just one person is all it takes.

So most of the time I am fine, I get on with my days, playing with my girls and doing my job. And yet other days I begin to fade, to hide away from the world, just in case… in case of what? Honestly I don’t even know what I am afraid of, nothing really but there is that feeling, deep rooted inside that tells me to shy away. When I was a baby my mum only had to say uh uh to me and I would crumble, I am the same now. I am easily bruised and it takes me a long time to heal.

So you see, you may look at me, all smiles and laughter. You may think that I am confident and outgoing and half the time I am. Telling yourself you are confident is half the battle isn’t it? But inside? Inside I am shaking, I am looking for a friendly face, someone to hold my hand and tell me it is going to be ok.

And it will be ok.