Not Fitting In With Other Mums

Motherhood: Never Quite Fitting In

I was walking home from the school run the other day and it struck me that I always walk on my own. I mean, obviously I’m not on my own having LJ to push along in the buggy, but I don’t have a mummy friend to share the walk with. I have lived here for almost 4 years now and I still feel like an outsider and not just an outsider but I don’t seem to fit in with the other mums around here.

I have friends, don’t get me wrong, I love them all dearly. But whether it has been baby groups or the school gates I just don’t seem to fit in. Is it just me? I actually know it isn’t just me as one of my friends actually said the other day she always wonders where all the other mums her age are.

Before we moved here, the town we lived in had either young teen mums or working mums that I never saw. So when I went down to baby groups I felt as though I was 67 rather than 27. Not that I am even ageist – I have friends ranging from early 20s to almost 40s but they are similar to me, have the same mindset. Am I even making sense?

So now the opposite is true, I live in a town where I feel as though I might as well be 18 – the mums are mostly career women and have had their children later. Nothing wrong with that at all and to an extent I am the same, I just gave up my career sooner than them. The problem is, they don’t want to know me, I don’t have anything to offer them I guess. They have their friends already, having grown up around here or having met mums at groups when they had tiny babies (Little G was over 1 when we moved here so I missed that ship!).

I could be over thinking this of course, it could just be that I am shy and they have their own lives – not a great combination I grant you. But still, I see other mums making friends, walking home together and inviting each other round for cups of tea and I just wonder when it will be my turn.

At the end of the day, school isn’t for me, it is about my children. Little G is a proper little socialite and comes out smiling every day. As long as she is happy then my personal drama doesn’t really matter does it? It would just be nice to be able to stand and chat to someone who actually wants to talk to me, you know?

My Sig

You Might Also Like

36 Comments

  • Reply
    Sammy
    March 9, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    Where I live all the mums seem to be either much younger or much older. I have my friends who have been my friends for years, and most have children but I have never really made Mummy friends at playgroups and things. I was 27 when I had Pops and I remember one older Mum saying to me “was she an accident and did she have much contact with her Dad?” Talk about making asumptions! I was like yeah my HUSBAND sees our very much longed for child all the time! Your definetly not alone lovely! X

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 9, 2016 at 6:11 pm

      Oh lord that is indeed an assumption!! Fancy saying that? Well if you lived near me I would be your friend – I’m always saying if only bloggers lived in a town all together. Much better! 🙂

  • Reply
    Sam - Travelling With Our Kids
    March 9, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    Oh I know that feeling. It’s such a shame that it can be so hard to make new friends..well for me anyway. Everyone seems to be in their own little groups and it always seem they give me the dirty look. I only have a few mummy friends but I hardly seem them 🙁 x

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 10, 2016 at 8:43 am

      I am exactly the same Sam and yeah- what is with those dirty looks?? I can’t wait for summer to be able to wear my sunglasses and hide from them all haha! x

  • Reply
    Charlene
    March 9, 2016 at 10:17 pm

    Ooh I totally know and you’ve scared me a bit, I don’t know any mums at nursery (largely because I’m always 20 minutes late but details) and my friend told me it all gets easier when they get to school!

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 10, 2016 at 8:42 am

      Oh no, sorry I scared you!! People told me the same and actually those same people are telling me reception will be better (she is in the school nursery now) but I am yet to be convinced! x

  • Reply
    Karen
    March 9, 2016 at 10:45 pm

    I can relate to this, in a new town, no mummy friends or friends near by. It’s hard but I have my big & little boy to keep me going! I think because I’m not at work the time seems longer so it highlights the fact I’m alone!

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 10, 2016 at 8:41 am

      I hope you find some new friends soon hun, it has taken me 4 years to have a couple of friends I love and trust. I just wish they had kids in my daughter’s class! I tell you where I made my friends – Netmums meetups. It took a lot of guts to get out of the house and put myself ‘out there’ but 2 of my dearest friends were made there. x

  • Reply
    Fiona
    March 10, 2016 at 5:33 am

    It’s the same here. It’s quite a small village where I live and they almost all grew up together or are related by marriage or something. It’s taken until my son is in year 5 to be able to hold school gate chat with them, they used to just ignore me beforehand and I still never get invited to their monthly mummy curry nights or anyone’s house. It’s weird why other women do that to each other when we all know how it feels to be excluded – everyone’s been to high school after all!

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 10, 2016 at 8:38 am

      Oh I know!! You’d think school playground behaviour would stop in year 11 right? xxx

  • Reply
    Sammie
    March 10, 2016 at 9:01 am

    Ah Katy I want to give you a big hug X. No I don’t thin you are overthinking it. Sometime mums in the playground can be quite territorial and possessive about their ‘little groups’ actively discouraging, as a group, the infiltration of ‘new comers’. My husband experienced the very same thing when he picked our youngest up from nursery. Ok so he’s a man and I can understand some women being wary of him, but even on a school trip only one of the mums spoke to him. Having had 3 babies in just under 4 years, it wasn’t as easy forming friendships with our youngest’s mum group, purely because I was always dashing off to the next classroom to collect the next child. What I found in general, was different year groups had a different set of mums and their friendliness varied wildly between different year groups. It can feel extremely isolating standing, waiting for your child, all on your own. The last comment is spot on and I think where, by nature even though we are shy, we would be the first to go and chat to any new mum standing on her own, for some unknown reason, women can be quite cold, when in a group to an outsider. My advice, as hard as it is, would be to wait with your head held high and not let them get to you.
    You have two beautiful babies and another on the way they are your world. I know being a mum with little ones can be extremely isolating, wherever you are, but don’t hand them the power to bring you down.
    Katy you have are a wonderful woman and amazing mum, if they don’t want to talk to you it is their loss!
    You can always message of tweet me whilst you’re waiting. I’ll make you smile and laugh, not feel alone and I bet they’ll be intrigued as to why you’ve got such a big smile on your face. Sammie xxxxx

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 10, 2016 at 9:03 am

      I know I am a little hormonal right now but this made me cry. Thank you so much for such a lovely comment, it really means a lot xxxxx

  • Reply
    Abby shacklock
    March 10, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    Oh this breaks my heart. Nobody should feel like this. Walk with a smile and your head held high. If eye contact comes, return it with a ‘good morning’ . Perhaps arrange a play date and see if the mum would Like to stay for a cuppa. And if all that doesn’t work, just know you are the better woman. Others will see that. School Mum friends will come….if you still want them to 😉

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:51 am

      Thank you so much Abby, you are so right xx

  • Reply
    TeamYaahbaby
    March 10, 2016 at 10:38 pm

    This resonates with me, I lived in a tiny village by the coast in East Scotland for 5 years so I can relate to how it feels to have the ‘may have missed the boat feeling’.
    Funny enough once I returned back to London, I came back with a 2 and half year old. I fit in here better as I lived here for 13 years before uprooting but it takes a lot of effort befriending mums in the park having missed mum and baby groups.

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:50 am

      I think that is where I fall down as I am just no good at pushing myself forward. x

  • Reply
    Carrie
    March 11, 2016 at 4:44 am

    I’m so glad I read this! It’s as though I’ve written it myself. I’ve never fitted In at baby groups or the school gates. I’m a normal person, I don’t have two heads, I have a great set of friends away from school, I just don’t seem to fit in. My children are happy, popular kids, they both have plenty of friends. We recently moved back to the area and my daughter started school in year 1. She has slotted right in, but me it hasn’t happened. My son started in the nursery and i just don’t seem to have clicked with anyone. There’s a point you look in the mirror and think is it me? But a year on I look in and I don’t take the burden on anymore. I see the mums who love to mingle, make it all about them
    The mums who stand back like me, the gossiping mums, the dads and I’ve realised it doesn’t really matter. Like you say the children are happy. We are a loving, happy family, I have wonderful friends. Maybe I have have no reason to send making small talk and fake friends. I’m polite I smile, say hi to a familiar face but I no longer get hung up on the 5 minutes of drop off. It’s been lovely to read through the comments and your blog to see others are feeling the same as me! Wouldn’t if be fab if we were all neighbours 🙂 keep your head up and remember in a few years time those mums won’t even be in your life. Enjoy these times with your children, soon they’ll be telling you they don’t need you to take them to school! Then what will we do!?

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:49 am

      You sound just like me. You do start to question whether there is something wrong with you don’t you?! You are so right though, those 5 minutes don’t really matter and my life is rich with or without them xxxx

  • Reply
    Christina @ Ladybug Home & Designs
    March 11, 2016 at 9:44 am

    I can relate to not growing up in a area and trying to make friends with women who àlready have regular friends. I am lucky that my closet friend is someone I met when she ran a Mummy Crafting evenings. I hope you will develop friendship in the future. I am sure anyone would be very blessed to be your friend.

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:47 am

      I have a dear friend who I have met but her child isn’t in the same year. Although fab news she may be moving over to my side of town so we can walk together. Fingers crossed!! x

  • Reply
    Gemma Nuttall
    March 11, 2016 at 10:07 am

    Oh bless you Katy…
    The resonated with me. I used to feel like this and found it super tough when my eldest started school. We knew nobody and I feel very awkward as I was only 22 when I had him (through choice and I’m happily married to his daddy and we now have 2 more boys in the mix!) but you can’t get past those judgmental first stares.
    I have to say, now my eldest is in year 3 and I’ve got to know some of the mums, I feel really really lucky that the majority are actually beyond lovely and I’ll have a chat with someone most mornings – my blog has actually helped in that respect as word gets around school. Becomes an ice breaker.
    I hope it gets easier for you soon – maybe bite the bullet and just say hi to someone else looking lost like you and you never know, you may just find a friend.xxxx

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:47 am

      It’s funny as I just haven’t said much about my blog, maybe it would be an ice breaker but then people may think I’m weird or showing off. Who knows! x

  • Reply
    Me, You and Magoo
    March 11, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    You’re not alone in this. I often stand on my own in the playground with noone to talk to. There are definite cliquey groups at my daughter’s school. I used to be in the clique a little bit, but then I distanced myself because I didn’t like some of the Mums. So now I’m in isolation!
    I’ve always been a bit of a loner, someone who doesn’t really need people to feel ok about themselves. I think that’s a good thing & it sounds like you are a similar person. Just think of all the boring gossip & tittle tattle you don’t have to listen to…believe me, it’s better! I have got used to being on my own in the playground & just think of my daughter’s beaming face as she runs out to see me after school. Everything else is irrelevant to me 🙂

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:46 am

      You are not alone in not wanting to talk about yourself. I always assume people will think I’m bragging or whatever so I just keep quiet. I am so rubbish at small talk lol x

  • Reply
    Laura @ Life with Baby Kicks
    March 11, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    Oh Katy – I want to come and walk home with you and have a cup of tea while the kids play together nicely. This scares me a little as I’m going to be throwing myself back into that life not knowing anyone again trying to make friends. Maybe I’ll just have to suck it up myself and invite people to me for a cup of tea because you never know they might be waiting for me to make the first move.

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:44 am

      Just move near me and then we can have tea all the time 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Catie
    March 12, 2016 at 6:02 am

    I can relate to this too.
    It is so hard moving to a new place and then trying to make friendships. Groups are established and relationships set and it can be hard to find your place. Or you can be accepted in a group that isn’t really you!
    I moved to a new country and language was a huge barrier for me and to some extent remains a barrier.
    I also work part time and most mums here don’t! it’s hard

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:43 am

      Being accepted into a group that isn’t me has happened before and as much as you are glad not to be alone it just isn’t the same is it? I cannot imagine a whole new country though hun xxx

  • Reply
    Angela at Daysinbed
    March 14, 2016 at 12:39 am

    I totally understand this. Before I became ill I felt very similar, now my husband does the school run and I feel even more Isolated but as you say, school is about our kids getting a great education so that is what I will focus on. I enjoyed reading your post.

    Angela

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:41 am

      It is hard isn’t it? As much as it is about them our lives revolve around them and therefore our friendships will too. Thank goodness for blogging xx

  • Reply
    Laura wilson
    March 14, 2016 at 10:51 am

    Oh Katy snap snap snap in every way. I feel so lonely sometimes and everyone has friends already. I don’t actually think I mind being on my own sometimes but it does make you feel a bit rubbish doesn’t it. I 100% don’t fit in anywhere and I know I can’t stay here for long because I can’t see I’m ever going to feel any better about it.
    I have a few decent friends that i see occasionally, but detest the school run with a passion. I’ve even explained this to his teachers and said sometimes I may just have to come after 9 just so I can miss the crowds! Well you are lovely so let’s just pump some happy music out and Kon Marie the sh@t out of our homes 🙂
    Ive been writing a post about the kindness of strangers and how people online and in the street can be so much kinder than those that are around you. It’s a funny old world xxx

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:40 am

      I wish you lived nearer to me, I’d be your bestie for sure xxx

  • Reply
    You Baby Me Mummy
    March 14, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    Me too huni! I am always the one standing on their own outside nursery. People may say hi (usually if I say it first!) but they all have their little groups and I am not in any of them. You know I love you and if we didn’t live so far we would walk to school together. Our world is more diverse and exciting than theirs, all your friends are spread out and although we can’t chat outside the school gates we can chat whenever you wish! xxxx

    • Reply
      Katy
      March 19, 2016 at 7:40 am

      You are so right, thank goodness for blogging. Love you too xxxx

  • Reply
    Mummy Pat
    March 28, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    We were practically the first among our local friends to have a baby, so there wasn’t much sense of joining in, really, and there wasn’t anyone in the parenting groups around our way and the SureStarts that I felt any kind of connection with. Then we moved cities and had to start completely from scratch, where noone knew us. Starting from scratch with a toddler was tough to begin with, but it actually feels now like we have a set of friends both for us and our little boy. I even sometimes push my buggy home alongside some of the parents, having made friends with them at playgroups.

    • Reply
      Katy
      April 9, 2016 at 8:26 am

      I think being the first to have a baby played a part in my story too. Glad you’ve found your feet though, so great finding likeminded souls xx

    Leave a Reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.