Finding My Purpose in Life

I always enjoyed school work, the routine of having a school timetable, having homework etc kept me on track and got me through the every days. Even when I was being bullied I was able to focus on my school work and it kept me sane. I worked hard and got the results I needed to get me to the life I wanted. That was my purpose.

When I finished my education and got a job as a teacher I was still in a routine, my purpose in life was to teach the children in my class, to plan their lessons and create their learning journals. At times the workload got me down but I still thrived, I loved having a job to do. My work was my life, I gave it my all as I believe if you are going to do a job you must do it well. I had a purpose.

When Mr F proposed I was thrilled, not only was I marrying my best friend but I was going to be able to plan it all!!!! I created list upon list and my focus in life was to create the best day of our lives. I was in control, I was able to write it down, make a plan and stick to it. Once again I put in my all and we did indeed have an amazing day. I fulfilled my purpose.

Having children and being a stay at home mum has thrown me, I have lost my way in life. 

I can quite clearly remember the early days of being a new mum. I would sit and stare at Little G and wonder what on earth I was meant to do. She was a contented baby and would happily sit in her bouncer all day leaving me twiddling my thumbs. I had never been a ‘housewife’ and so didn’t have the first clue how to run a house. I would wait for Mr F to come home to feel as though life could start again. I was bored.

As she grew and started to interact with me I felt much better, my days were filled with stacking cups and shape sorters. I still felt as though I was waiting for something to happen though, waiting for my life to begin. I had left all my friends behind at work and so felt totally alone. As much as I wanted to stay at home with G I had never considered how lonely I would find it all.

Moving to our new home and having a second baby brought new challenges. Once again I was left knowing nobody, having left any new mum friends behind. Having a baby and a toddler is hard work! Nothing can prepare you for the feelings of guilt you feel, as you inevitably neglect your toddler while you tend to your newborn. Life becomes a whirlwind of nappies and feeds once again, any routines you had begun to forge are obliterated by sleepless nights.

Over the past few years, since becoming a mum, I have felt as though all control has been lost. My need for routine and structure has not been met and instead I have become a shadow of my old self. I have let myself go, having my hair cut a maximum of once a year, dressing like a slob and spending my evenings staring at the tv in some sort of trance.

I have been lost at sea for over 3 years now, waiting for my life to begin. All the while my life has been passing me by. I have been waiting to find my purpose but it has already found me!

My children make me happy, my husband makes me happy. Therefore my purpose in life is to be their mother and his wife. Blogging makes me happy, therefore I am a blogger. My friends make me happy, therefore I am a friend in return. All of these things are my purpose, I have purpose.

Routines and schedules do still make me happy but they have no place in my life at the moment. One day when my children are grown up and I am sitting in my tidy house, marking books or planning something or other, I will wish for the days of nappies and feeds. I will miss the toys, the piles of washing, the sleepless nights.

Why will I miss them? They brought me times of happiness – they were the days of my babies. They were the days I spent holding my children in my arms, the days I spent laughing at their funny ways- how they laughed and played together.

I have wasted enough time already, I am not going to waste another second. I have a purpose- to live my life the best way I can. I am going to #embracehappy and enjoy every minute.