When You Don't Feel A Bond With Your Baby

When you become pregnant you hear tales of mothers who don’t have an immediate bond with a baby. You wonder how these ‘awful women’ can be mothers and vow to love your baby more than anything in the world. Then as the pregnancy continues, and your hormones begin to rage, sometimes the worries begin to creep in and you may feel that you won’t love your baby growing inside of you. Most mothers go on to have their babies and all is well, but for some women this does not happen. They find themselves asking ‘do I love my baby?’ days, weeks and even months after the birth.

When I was pregnant with Little G I loved her immediately. I found out I was having a girl and the bond grew even stronger. By the time she was born I loved her so much that I felt as though my heart was going to burst. I was one of the lucky ones.

However, my pregnancy with Baby L couldn’t have been more different. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I wanted a boy. I had visions of dressing him in blue dungarees and I had so many names picked out in my head. Everyone kept telling me I was bound to have a boy due to the ‘way I was carrying’ and even my midwife said all my symptoms were typical of a boy. My pregnancy was polar opposite to my first and so I truly believed it.

At 20 weeks we went along to the scan. I was so excited and patiently waited for all of the routine things to be checked. The sonographer asked if we wanted to find out and when we said yes she had a look – I was having a girl. I cried for 3 days, not solidly (I’m not that crazy) but I cried a lot. I think I had built up such an image in my mind that it came as a huge shock that I could have been wrong (I am never wrong! (except on the odd occasion I may not be fully right…)).

Thankfully after those 3 days my hormones re-balanced themselves and I snapped out of it. I sorted through all of Little G’s old clothes and suddenly I was excited! A baby girl! I felt so silly having been so upset and excitedly painted the nursery pink and began to think of names.

So fast forward to the end of my pregnancy and there I was about to give birth. I felt a huge amount of guilt towards Little G and I was so worried that she would suffer. She was my baby and I didn’t know how I was going to ever love another baby as much as I loved her. Or if I did love the new baby would my love for Little G fade? I was also very worried about what was going to happen to her when I went into labour, how would she cope without me? Would she be ok staying away from home for the first time?

I was so incredibly tense that I barely slept in those last few weeks. They think this is the reason I went overdue- apparently it is common for second time mums to worry about their first born and they often find they will go into labour during school hours when they know their child is ok! Weird eh?

So at 8 days past her due date Baby L appeared in style – if you fancy a laugh then here is my birth story.

There she was, my tiny little baby, I was able to meet her after all these months. But instead of the rush of love that I ‘should’ have felt, all I could think of was Little G and getting home to be with her again. There was no overwhelming feeling of love. I knew I must love her but I didn’t feel it. I was worried. I knew something wasn’t right.

Days went by and with problems feeding, lack of sleep, looking after a toddler and all of the Christmas festivities I did not get a chance to bond. I fed her and cared for her but I didn’t have time to actually enjoy her. A few weeks passed but her feeding problems got worse and I suffered really badly with thrush and mastitis. She barely slept and the stress took its toll. This tiny little person had turned my world upside down and I was utterly miserable.

Don’t worry, there is a happy ending to my story!

I can tell you exactly when I fell in love with my baby. The day she smiled at me. Suddenly she was not just a baby, she was my baby and she loved me. All of the difficult days melted away and it was all worth it, she was worth every sleepless night. I found the strength to carry on and I fought her corner with the doctors with regards her milk allergy. Everything improved within a matter of days and I was able to sit and gather my thoughts and get to know the newest member of my family.

I look back to those dark days when I felt like I didn’t love her. I feel sad because it wasn’t her fault, it was just how it was. I was so busy getting to grips with having a baby and a toddler, trying to cope with difficulties in those early days that I just got swept along and went through the motions every day. It was only when everything calmed down that I could sit and enjoy her, get to know her little personality.

If you follow me on Instagram you can see I post lots of photos of my girls. You will also see that Baby L’s smile is infectious. She is the most beautiful little girl and I love her more than anything in the world (equal to Little G of course!). She is 7 months old now and as the months have gone by I have loved her more and more.

They say your heart grows when you have another child and now I can wholeheartedly agree. My heart is bursting with love for both of my girls.

Have you gone through this at all? Maybe with your first instead of a second?

Honest Mum

Saturday 6th of September 2014

Oh darling, thanks for being so brave and sharing this, hormones really affect how we feel and bond, so important to read honest posts like this. I wanted another boy after my first as I felt I got and understood boys and in my head after a hugely traumatic birth with my first I wanted the birth I wanted-a peaceful one. It's not rational and I would have loved a girl too, we all have different reasons for our wants but you have the perfect family, love that beautiful picture of you with your gorgeous daughters. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x

Katy

Thanks Vicki, sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth with your first son. I know so many people who have had bad experiences and they have all felt the same about their second pregnancy. Thanks for a great linky, I will be joining in every week xx

Merlinda Little (@pixiedusk)

Thursday 4th of September 2014

Such honest post. Thanks for sharing such wonderful story #brillblogposts

Friday 5th of September 2014

Thank you, I look back on it and wonder what I was thinking. Hormones are strange things! x

cuddlesmuddles

Friday 15th of August 2014

A great, honest post. I had a period during this second pregnancy where I wondered if I could possibly love another baby as much as my ToddlerGirl. Then I bonded with the baby as I felt her move around but still had lots of worries about what it would be like to be a mum of two. Now my BabyGirl has arrived (two weeks early!) and I know how much I love her but it doesn't stop me feeling divided between my two girls. BabyGirl and I ended up back in hospital earlier this week which gave me plenty of time to bond her, which was actually great. But I do find that I'm missing all the time I had to spend with my ToddlerGirl so much. I'm trying to make sure I give her as much attention as I can but of course it's different. It's a whole new parenting adventure!

Just realised I never replied, so sorry! Hope you are ok after your trip back to hospital. Being a mum of 2 is hard work in the first few months but it does get easier once baby isn't so needy. xx

Everything mummy

Wednesday 6th of August 2014

i remember when i was pregnant with my second and third i was so worried i wouldn't love them the same way i did my other daughter(s) it sounds mad now i just thought but i loved her so much how will i ever love them the same amount lol it really sounds quite ridiculous but during my pregnancy i was so worried about it!

What_Katy_Said

It is amazing how your heart just grows isn't it? I think all mums feel the same but until you go through it yourself you cant believe it is possible to love another baby as much!

Sheila

I had to find out the gender of my first because I knew we'd assume one way or the other, and I didn't want to risk feeling any disappointment when the baby did arrive. Just as well, as we'd guessed wrong too!

I am no good with secrets so had to find out or I would have gone mad! If i had left it to the end thinking I was having a boy I dread to think how I would have reacted!! :-/