You may have seen my photo yesterday, showing me on the sofa. It was such a difficult day, one spent mostly on the sofa feeling very sorry for myself. My blog is mostly a happy place, one that focuses on the happy moments, but that isn’t always real life is it? I feel ridiculous complaining when I am so blessed to be able to carry another child, but I am in so much pain that it is making me wish the days away, making me want to bury my head in a pillow and sob while the girls aren’t looking.
I was so lucky with my other two pregnancies, I had minimal sickness and was pretty much able to function like normal right up until the end. I totally took that for granted. The last week or so I have realised how lucky I was before, now that I am barely able to walk and lie awake for hours at night with a searing pain in my hips. I am not functioning as normal, and this makes me want to cry even more – especially when G turns to me and says ‘mummy you are no fun anymore’. That breaks my heart.
I am suffering with SPD as far as I can make out. I need to make an appointment with my midwife and try and get referred to someone who can fix me. The problem is, I have to walk and push the buggy back and forth from school every day. So even if I get fixed up, I will end up breaking myself once again. I feel so resentful that my body has failed me.
I know I need to take more care of myself, and that in reality I have failed my body, not the other way around. I haven’t made any adjustments to account for the fact I am growing a human, I have just been carrying on as normal. I need to give myself a break and not expect too much from my body now, but I feel like such a failure. So many people are active all the way up to birth and yet I am a total wreck at only half way. I am just thankful that the remaining 6 weeks of the pregnancy tie in with the summer holidays, I have a feeling we won’t be going far from home and again that makes me feel guilty – that isn’t doing the best for my girls is it?
Pregnancy is meant to be a magical time, one of bonding between you and your unborn child, but I am just wishing the time away. I am desperate for August to arrive so I can begin to recover. I want to be able to bounce on the trampoline when my girls ask me, I want to be able to take Little G to school without fear of cracking myself in two.
I just want to be free from this pain and have baby safely in my arms.
Did you see my 5 month update vlog?
You Baby Me Mummy
Tuesday 3rd of May 2016
Oh huni, I hope you can get some relief soon. SPD is no joke and I hope they can manage the symptoms effectively for you. Three years on I am still suffering, so it is best to get it sorted now xxx
Hayley
Monday 2nd of May 2016
Oh bless you Katy :( Its so hard when you're in so much pain and the end feels like its so far away! I'd never had SPD until my 3rd pregnancy and I was shocked by how awful it was. I told my midwife at every appointment and she always said "Its just one of those things" - by the end I literally could not walk without help, and it was only then that the hospital informed me that my midwife should have referred me for physio from the start - it might never have got to that level if she had! make sure you insist on getting some help for it, don't let it get to the point where you cant walk! xx
Katy
Wednesday 4th of May 2016
That is AWFUL that she dismissed it like that. I will be sure to make my midwife listen xx
Tracey Williams
Saturday 30th of April 2016
Oh Katy I am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I suffered with SPD with my 2nd child, and I remember the pain only too well (and that was 10 years ago). I really hope you see your midwife soon and get some help. Try and rest when you can sweetie xx
Mrs H
Saturday 30th of April 2016
Oh honey, I am so sorry to read that you are in this much pain. I think that SPD must feel terrible. I have sciatica and that is a right pain. But I know SPD must feel much worse. I really hope that you get an appointment and they are able to help. I have a friend who regularly visits an osteopath who is able to help. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons
Friday 29th of April 2016
So sorry to hear you're having a tough pregnancy. I don't think you should feel like a failure at all, but that's easier said than done. I suffered from awful sickness the whole way through my pregnancy and I remember thinking the same as you - how do other people stay active and function normally right up until they give birth? But every pregnancy is different, and just because that's possible for one person, it doesn't mean it's the case for anyone else. I hope you get the referral sorted and that it manages to bring you some relief.
Katy
Saturday 30th of April 2016
Thank you Katy, I think it is just what we all do isn't? Hard when you see people seemingly fine but I guess you never know what they are dealing with xx