Inside: Talking to Children About Changing Families: A Quick Guide. Collaborative post.
Families change and grow, sometimes gradually and sometimes suddenly. Kids will have little to no understanding of what’s happening, and it’s natural to want to protect them. Parents and caregivers, on the other hand, will likely have a better grasp of the situation, even when things are difficult and uncomfortable.
The big question, then, is how to help children adjust, emotionally and practically, to changes like separation, remarriage, or moving to a new home.
Be open and honest
Adults tend to think their children know more than they do, so it’s understandable to want to spare children the harsher details of what’s going on. However, they will notice that something is up, even if it’s hard for them to process. Wait for a moment when things have settled down and then have a calm, open conversation. Keep things as simple as possible, avoiding blame and unnecessary details.
Ask children questions, and give them time to ask you questions of their own. Older children may need a few conversations, as they will likely have more complicated questions. If you’re not ready or able to give a clear answer, tell your children that, and make sure they know you’re working on it.
Short, concrete statements may be best for younger children:
“Mummy and Daddy will each be living in separate homes but we both love you.”
Older children may want more detail:
“Daddy’s new partner and her children live in an apartment, but they’re coming to stay with us at the weekend. Are you sure that’s OK?”
Validate all emotions
Children will respond to family changes in different ways. Some will regress, others become aggressive, and some won’t appear to show any reaction at all. Let children know that any emotion is normal. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings, whether through talking or through play. If they’re old enough to understand, you might even invite them to draw or write about how they’re feeling.
Questions and prompts to get you started:
“What’s been the hardest part for you?”
“Is there anything that would make this feel easier?”
Don’t force a discussion; simply make it clear you’re there when they’re ready.
Help them adjust to new routines
Children cope well if they know what to expect. As far as possible, stick to the same regular schedules of mealtimes, bedtimes, and weekend or weekly activities. Even if parents move to new homes, sticking to familiar routines can help children feel more secure. It’s also a way to show children that the upheaval of change hasn’t altered your love for them.
Remind them that other things will remain the same
Adults can make big decisions, and when they do, children might worry about whether they have a place in their family. Make sure you continue to remind them that you love and support them and that they’re an important part of your life. If things are changing between the adults in their life, ensure children know that this has nothing to do with them; they might need to hear this repeated several times.
Connect with outside support and information
A trusted adult outside the family unit, such as a teacher or relative, may be a source of support for children, allowing them to open up about their feelings and experiences. When it comes to legal changes such as where a child will live and with whom, and what arrangements there will be for spending time with each parent, you may find it helps to get information from a reliable source before you have a discussion with your child. There’s a lot of great information available from expert sources such as our article on co-parenting tips..
Encourage and reward them for asking questions
Open lines of communication and continue to have conversations with your child about what’s happening in the family. Highlight positives: for example, while your child may be losing one parent, they may gain others to love and support them; they may lose one home, but gain another; they may lose one routine, but be able to create a new one.