Just Me and My Girls

I am very hormonal and very fragile at the moment, the slightest thing makes me cry and more often than not it is related to my girls. Just yesterday I was tearing up as I walked along pushing LJ in her buggy. I looked down at her, ever so small still, and I felt so guilty that she is going to become a middle child. I stopped pushing and went around the buggy to look at her, gave her a big kiss and told her I loved her.

I feel as though I haven’t loved her enough since she was born. The first few months I didn’t feel like I loved her at all and then since that point I have just muddled along doing my best. But was it good enough? I love her more than anything but I feel like I have wasted so much time, time that could have been spent just me and her. Little G has been at nursery every afternoon since last September and I cannot tell you what I have done with LJ, just the two of us. I just feel incredibly guilty that I am going to be introducing another sibling into the mix when she has never had me to herself – or at least not had quality time.

I wish I had taken her to more groups but I always felt bad doing things without G, I didn’t want her to feel left out. But now I see that I made a huge mistake there, I should have made better use of that time. I know she will never remember these days or know that I didn’t do my best but I will know, I will always feel guilty.

The next few months will be hard on both the girls, they will lose me to another sibling. Of course once he is that little bit older they will get me back but everything will be different. I know your love grows, it has happened that way before with LJ of course, but I am still worried. Not worried that I won’t love them as much but I just don’t want them to feel less loved.

Yesterday, on the way home from school, we stopped off at the park. Normally I am guilty of rushing them, rushing home so I can make dinner – but not this day. Instead of rushing them, we stayed for well over an hour. I pushed LJ on the swing, had ‘ice-creams’ from their rooftop cafe and best of all we made daisy chains.

There is something so relaxing about sitting in a field making daisy chains, don’t you think? Ours weren’t just daisy chains actually but buttercup chains too. I LOVE buttercups! I could have sat there for hours and hours but in the end it really was time to go home to make dinner.

Moments like those are precious to me, not least because I get to spend alone time with my girls but because they get to spend time with me. I want them to have memories of sunny days making daisy chains, I want them to look back and know that I loved them.